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MOVIE REVIEW by The Movie Guy Skergard / Ring of Troth
Recently I had the dubious pleasure of viewing a movie entitled The Norseman, starring Lee Majors (The Six Million Dollar Man) as Thorvald, and Cornel Wilde as Ragnar. This is the tale of the second expedition to Vinland, in 1006, where Thorvald rescues his father who is imprisoned by the Iroquois Indians. This movie had some potential, but this was unrealized by the writer and director. Apparently, the author of the screenplay had never heard of the Flateyjarbók. The movie is mainly concerned with the Norsemen's encounters with the Indians and battles with them. The only evidence of any Norse battles with Indians are from the Kensington rune stone in Minnesota which dates from 1362. Historically speaking, Leif Eriksson is rolling in his howe. As to the costumes and props, Gods help us! Most of the men in the movie wore no pants! Don't get excited, the only one worth looking at was Thorvald, and he was the only one who wore pants. Secondly, I have never seen so many bovine-encrusted helms in all my life. There were enough bull horns in this movie to cast an episode of Rawhide. The armor looked like second hand rejects from Spartacus. The breastplates had the nicely formed musculature appearance of the average first century Roman centurion. The shields that they carried looked like the props from Clash of the Titans (which I also saw on the same day, ugh). Now, the acting (what there was of it). The "wizard" had all the spine, effectiveness and confidence of Jerry Lewis in a convention of Armannen Vitkis. Lee Majors had the poise and appearance, but he sure didn't gain his smooth melodic voice from Odin (because Lee doesn't have it). He could strike a pose, but then froze like a statue for his lines. The cross on the nose- piece of his helm had to go though. Finally, I will expound on the only redeeming factor of this movie was its moral/spiritual perspective. These were not Kristjan Norsemen, but true Asatruar Folk. From the beginning of this hideous film they gave all the glory and credit to Odin, and one instance Thor. (Does this mean that they give Odin the credit for this teaming heap of silver-screen shit?) If the Gods ever took the producers of this small cellophane piece of the Kristjan "Hell" seriously, the producers would be trying to recover from a severe pucker factor. For the lover of the proverbial "B" flick, this film is for you, buy may I suggest you get professional help. However, at least someone gives our ancestors the credit for being the first Europeans to set foot on Vinland, (not that little Italian Kristjan guy). Too few give our Folk credit for our achievements, I'll take what I can get. This movie had the chances for a F.U.TH (but that is pushing it). Due to the historical pitfalls (chasms rather), it only gets a F. You know what that means don't you? It failed!
MOVIE RATING SYSTEM. F. It sucks. F.U. It is barely tolerable. F.U.TH. Pretty average, could be worse. F.U.TH.A. Better than average, makes interesting points. F.U.TH.A.R. Pretty good, worth wasting your hard earned money. F.U.TH.A.R.K. Don't count on it, I'm a picky bastard.
Every month from here on I will force myself to watch another crappy movie from the vast archives at my disposal. By doing so I hope to save you the pain that I deal with every day that I watch this sort of trash. However, if I encounter a good movie (not very bloody likely) I will be certain to give credit where credit is due. If there are any movies you would like to see reviewed, simply inform me by mail c/o Skergard. If you want to tell me to shut up and not be so pessimistic dial 1-900-TEL-ODIN (this is long distance of course).
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